March to March...a retrospective

I was reviewing some notes and journal entries I'd made last March earlier this week. I am always amazed at how things can change in such a short amount of time. Last year at this time, I was just not in a good place within myself. I was newly divorced after 15 years of marriage. For the first time in my life I was living by myself (my kids are with me part of each week). I had never been a "single adult". I could not seem to adjust to this, and I was lost. Most of the nights I did not have my kids with me I spent going out to clubs, lounges, pubs, wherever I could meet people and not be alone. My goal was to avoid an empty house, a broken heart, and to just be wanted by somebody for just a few hours. I was not looking for a relationship, just a temporary companion. The nights it was not feasable to go out, I spent alone in my house, learning to make dinners for one person, obsessivly cleaning a small place that was never dirty, trying to find a "new normal" but avoiding myself in the process. In addition to my own self misery, one of my closest friends and a person I leaned on way to much in the days my marriage was faltering, had been diagonsed with lung cancer and was spending her days in treatment, and nights in pain and sickness. I watched as my healthy and vibrant friend became sickly and tired as the treatment took the energy and light from her body. The fear I felt at the possibility of losing her paralyzed me at times. There were moments when I realized I was not crying over the loss of my life as I had known it, but I was crying at the thought of losing my friend also. And so, I avoided. I went out. I rarely went to the same place twice, and I never used my real name or phone number. I could be whoever or whatever I wanted, as the situation dictated. I never had more than two weak drinks, and usually I'd find somebody who wanted me for the evening and was willing to help me forget my troubles. In this fashion, I was able to pretend to hide from my misery, my loneliness, my fears, and most importantly-myself.

This went on for several months. My health suffered. My attitude towards people in general suffered. My job suffered. My finances, body, and mind suffered. I didnt care. I was lost, afraid, and avoiding this new life I didnt want. But I didnt know what to do. I was caught in a self made trap. The days my kids were not with me were unbearable. I was living the consequences of my actions that destroyed my marriage and the life I so desparately wanted to give my children. I couldnt help my sick friend, only watch and wait. And so I hid.

Now, present time. March 2010. I have a year of hindsight and "what the hell was I thinking?" behind me. I am in a better place within myself. I'm more focused on my job. My kids are receiving the full attention they deserve. I'm working on being a better friend to my old friends, while maintaining new friends I've made. I've fallen in love again, something I never thought would be possible. So what changed? I'm still responsible for the divorce and destruction of several innocent peoples lives. I still come home to an empty house on some evenings. My kids are only with me 2-5 days a week. I'm not on the friendly terms I wish I was with my former spouse. So...whats up? I'm no longer trying to hide is what.

This can mean many different things to many people reading this. I finally realized I had to stop trying to blame everyone, and anyone for my own actions that lead to my lifes changes and alterations. I had to admit to ME that I was responsible for myself, nobody else. I had to grow up. I had to force myself to quit blaming and hiding and open myself up...to myself. Once I finally took this action, I could begin healing. I still went out. I still did things that were not in my best long term interest. But I actually began to enjoy things again. I really laughed with my kids, not just lip synced the laughter. I tasted the meals I began cooking. I didnt just go out to find someone to go home with, I went out on real dates. I listened to what people had to say. I heard the words in the music, not just the beat. Many times my evenings ended with me heading to my house, alone. Another friend made that I would call again, not another nameless lover to be forgotten. I became okay to stay home some nights alone, just watching a movie or sitting on my deck, alone. This was fine.

During the summer I met two people that I toyed with the idea of a possible real relationship. With each of them, we made it the beginning stages of building something, only to not pan out. I was not wanting or was I ready to give myself totally to someone again. I could not let myself hurt someone again. Nor could I be hurt again. But the thoughts were planted. I saw that I could actually possibly care again. I could open again, if the right person came along. And so I continued to work on myself, and enjoy life again. And then the right person came along. Completley unexpected and not what I was looking for, but I guess thats how it happens sometimes. I found myself opening, sharing, caring, and loving again. Not only this new person, but myself in the process. As I've said many times "many walls that were so solidly built and strong have not only been knocked down, but shattered as well". My self imposed prison has been unlocked. The guard was caught unaware. And for that, I'm glad.

So what does all this mean? Where am I going with this? I guess if I had to sum it up, I have to say that in order to not hide from life, you have to let yourself be found. Blame yourself all you want, but accepting the blame is different.

And my friend with cancer? All clear. As I found my new life, she was given the chance to continue with her old one. The tears became not ones of fear, but of hope and promise. For both of us.