The attic room

To dream. Some believe a dream is our minds way of clearing itself, a "reset" if you will. Some think dreams are spirits communicating with us, or our subconscious trying to get through to our awake mind. Dreams could be our minds way of planting seeds in us, to grow into ideas, thoughts, or plans for daily living, or a future we have not yet discovered. Many New Agers think dreams are simply our current being reliving a previous entity we once were. I dont know what dreams are, or their true intention or purpose. Whatever they are, we all have them. Good ones and bad ones alike, we all dream.
I have always been intrigued by the dreams I have, and many times by the ones other people have too. I have books on dream interepation, articles clipped on various dream topics. Its not unusual for me to google dream topics in the middle of the night if I've had one that was particulary eventful or bothersome. My dreams are often vivid and very real, both the good dreams, and the horrible scary ones. I've gotten fairly good i think at figuring out my dreams and what I call my "sleep movies". I think dreams are a combination of it all- spirits, subconsious, reset, seed planting. At least, mine are.
The night my grandfather passed after a long illness, I dreamed of his graveside service. In my dream, my grandmother, who had been gone for many years, stepped out from behind a storage building in the cemetary and told me it was okay, that grandpa was good again. A week later, at the real graveside service, I was stunned to see a building near the grave, not the same building as I dreamed, but very close. I had only been to the cemetary once before, when I was a small child, and had no memory of it all! One of the nights when I was in the midst of my breakdown and in the hospital, I dreamed of all four of my biological grandparents in a group, walking along a stream with me, talking and listening to me. What they said to me in my sleep remains a conversation between the five of us, but once I awoke, my mind was in a better place, and I was able to go home. Spirits communicating? Yes.
I can sometimes wake myself from a particulary bad dream or unpleasant sleep movie, as I seem to dream often not fully asleep, thus aware of myself and can tell my sleeping mind to wake up and escape. Usually. There are times I am powerless to awaken, and have to follow the path my slumbering mind is on. One of the first nights I stayed with Cameron, early in our relationship, I was unable to awaken in time to save him from the guy swinging an ax into his back. I woke him up yelling and jumping on his fully relaxed and sleeping form, in order to save him. I took the ax, he had a heart attack from my middle of the night act of bravery. Often the scariest dreams are the ones I can't control myself in as well.
For many years, I've had a recurring sleep movie start with a house. The same house every time. I walk in the front door, and depending on the type of dream I am to have, I go to a different part of the house. When I ascend the staircase to the attic, I know I'm in for a terrifying dream. These times, I am aware I am asleep, I know I'm about to have a horrible dream, yet I am powerless to walk back down the stairs and avoid what my mind has to say. A few years ago, For many many months, once in the attic I would find myself facing a blank wall. Upon getting closer, I find the wall is actually one of four. I am facing a room within the attic, completley closed off, with a corridor running on four sides of the room. I walk around and around the room, trying to find an entrance. This room with no way in first was built in the months my marriage and family was falling apart. I remember many of these dreams perfectly still. The first few times,I just walked around and around this mystery room, this box if you will. It scared me, but I didnt know why. I'd awaken scared, with no reason. Then, the room's function came into play. I'd find myself walking up the attic stairs, and I'd hear my kids calling for help, crying. I'd hear my spouse sobbing. I would race up the remaining stairs into the attic, to discover the sounds were coming from inside the room. Over and over I'd run the corridors around the room, frantically trying to break in as my family was screaming for me to help them. Their shrieks of pain and terror were unbearable. I would hear their voices yelling my name, or screaming "Daddy help!" Many times my spouse would scream "why did you put us in here? Let us out" The screams and cries would be blood curdling, and full of horror and pain. In my nightmare, I'd bloody my hands beating on the walls trying to save them, I run around the room until I collapsed, still hearing their screams. Then I'd awaken. I'd find myself crying, my hands sore from hitting the bed, my legs tangled in the sheets and blankets so badly I couldnt move them. These dreams were horrid ones. These were my subconcious mind dealing with the hurt my family was going through, and my lack of power to help or save them from the pain. And the pain we were going through was my doing, thus my self suffering dream was my pittance. I would beat myself up each day for my wrong doings, and my mind beat me up at night.
As my life settled and became good again, the trapped room dream frequency would decrease, to finally end just over a year ago. I still would dream of the house, and once in a while the attic, but the entranceless room was gone. Until a few weeks ago. I knew as soon as I started up those steps I'd find the room again. This first time I woke myself up to avoid the room and the terror it held in store for me. The next night however, I was powerless. I got to the room and heard the screams, the pain, the agony. Again, like those nights over a year ago, I race around the room. I've had this dream every single night now for 34 days. I wake up exhausted and scared, I dread going to sleep. I try to avoid it. Not because I think the dream is real, but because I cant figure it out and I dont like to be scared. The dream stays with during the day, my conscious mind trying desparatly to figure it out so I can maybe quit having it. Because This time its different. The walls are different. before the walls were solid, but this tim I can see a shadow in the room. I can see the person's silloute in the room, pacing me, running along with me as I race the corridors. The shadow beats on the walls at me, screaming, pleading, crying. A few nights ago, parts of the corridors floor I am running on began dropping away. I now have to jump over black holes that have appeared in the floor. I am frantic to find a way into the room to let the shadow person out, yet I cant watch the walls as I sprint as I have to watch the floor so I dont fall. Terrifying. Listening to the screams is horrible. I cant figure this dream out. Why is the shadow screaming? Why is the floor disappearing? Why cant I get in the room? Whats causing this pain?
And the worst part- as I race outside in the endless corridor, desparate to save the room's screaming and terrified tenant, the very worst part, is that I am the person inside the room this time.