The raising of Troy

Fathers Day. The day of the year designated to honor and recognize fathers, grandfathers, father figures, whoever the "Dads" in each family are. My fathers will get their cards and token gifts of course. And I, assume will receive mine. But in looking towards this day, I've decided to take a different approach to recognizing this day that is supposed to be mine. I realize now, that rather than the day being about ME, its about what makes me who I am, what I am, and why I am. Fathers Day would not be, were it not for my kids.
This entry will not be an essay on how wonderful, beautiful, handsome, perfect my four children are. This will not a story about how my kids should be looked at as the mini gods they are, or the awesome people they are turning out to be. This blog today will be about how four little beings shaped and gave meaning to one person, how they raised and nutured and unconditionally love the person I am today- Dad.
At 19 I took on parenthood. Ashley came into my life and from then on, I was no longer Troy, I was Daddy. At 19 I was not totally aware of the responsibility of having a child. I knew of course that she needed fed, she couldnt bathe herself, all of her needs and wants had to be given to her by her mother and I. I was in charge of this little girl, failure was not an option. In addition to food and soap though, Ashley needed hugs and tickles. She needed someone to read her bedtime stories, someone to throw her into the air and safely catch her; Ashley had to know that when she fell, her Dad would be there. As parenthood grew on me though, I realized that it was actually Ashley doing the catching. When down, her giggles picked me up. When angry or frustrated, her cuddles would soothe me. This little girl was a giant antidepressant. With tiny shoes that matched her hair ribbons.
At 21, Kaylee's continueing education of Daddy began. Two little lives now depended on me. But I was not done growing up yet. I still laughed at people haveing gas, I still got a thrill when I ordered an alcohol drink in a restaurant, I drove a small two seater car way to fast. At the end of everyday though, I'd come home to my girls, and no matter what job I was working in at the time, my role then became Daddy. As Kaylee grew bigger, and Ashley grew older, I began to change. I had always been focused on myself and my wife. We NEEDED new furniture, a good trip each year, a date night on a regular basis. But then I began to see my girls needed things more. They needed cute clothes, Disneys latest VHS release, the Barbie playsets. I was able to give them these things. They also needed their Dad to play Barbie with them, play dress up and for me to let them do my hair, and someone to cover their eyes when "the Beast roared protecting Beauty". This was my role. I was growing up, performing a grown up role, growing into The Dad.
Justin and Jacob overwhelmed at 23. Four kids under 5. Toys, diapers, laundry, bottles, little money. It seemed helpless and overwhelming. Things were not easy. But as things got harder in some ways, others became easier. Dirty diapers no longer made me cringe as this was a chance to massage my little guys legs and feet, in the hopes that one day they'd be athletic and graceful. Bathtime was difficult, but no longer a dreaded chore. Baths lead to good splashing, laughing, and if we were lucky, self made "bubbles". Birthday parties in the yard, long walks with strollers and big wheel bikes, laughing at simple jokes and silly faces at the dinner table. These four people captured a part of me I didnt know I had. They became my meaning and my life. Almost every decision that was made, was made with them in mind. My needs and wants became secondary. I am Dad first, all else is secondary.
I didnt realize until my kids got older what they had done to me. How they shaped me. I had many plans and goals for myself when I was younger, yet those fell by the wayside to become plans and goals for my children. Their happiness and livlihood became my lifes mission. They are my reason. As my kids outgrew their cute outfits, I grew also. We grew up together. I learned to enjoy sports through endless hours of sitting in bleachers, chairs, and grass screaming for their accomplishments on the court, field, or track. I rode a bus 32 times to and from Portland in 7 years on various field trips, not to mention dozens of trips to the pool for "swim Dad" chaperone. I developed patience as they learned to ride a bike without training wheels, though when I let go of the seat, I felt a part of me was riding away with those little legs pumping the pedals. Turning the wheel and gas pedal of my car to a teen learning to drive forced me to take the passenger seat. I had to encourage, yet sternly guide, as we crept way to fast along the roads. Building swingsets, dollhouses, lego robots, racetracks took time on Christmas morning, but being able to push the kids on the slides, play dolls in the house, have wars with robots and wreck cars made the time worthwhile. There is no question that those little beings who I whispered promises to the first night they slept in my arms did a hell of a job fulfilling their end of the deal- to let me be their Dad.
I have never looked at the honor they have given me as a job, or a duty, or an obligation. I'm their Dad. Its my role. Its my identity. Its me.
Thank you Ashley, Kaylee, Justin and Jacob. This life you've given me is one I truly appreciate and feel privledged to have. You guys are my world, and really are the best thing I have ever done or acomplished. No matter how this life ride goes, I can't possibly top the Dad part.
And so guys, with all my heart, Happy Fathers Day.