We have kids in the water!

the Lewis and Clark class trip I completed for my second time last week means many different things to everyone. for some, its an "I did it". For others, its setting a goal and accomplishing it. Some see it as physical challenge, and determined to paddle a kayak the entire way no matter what weather, aches or illnesses occur they WILL have bragging rights. Some people tackle the 125 mile journey on the Columbia to see how far they can push themselves. Others enjoy the comraderie and the leadership the trip requires. Whatever the reason, the journey is a personal one for everyone, and we all have our reasons, aside from it being a class requirement or a parental commitment, for doing this trip. I'm not going to write about the sense of accomplishment the 3 of my 4 kids that have taken this journey have got from doing this trip. I wont write about the pride I saw in their faces as they climbed out of their kayaks at the final park, hearing all the people on the riverbank cheering for them as boat horns blared in the background. That is their personal story to tell, not mine. This entry is for me. Its my story to tell. Its my journey. Spring of 2011 when I first took this trip I paddled the river with my daughter Kaylee as my kayak partner. We spent 5 days paddling, and talking, and sometimes we just spent hours paddling, trying to hit our next landmark. This trip came at a time in my life when I was feeling settled. the events of the previous 5 tumultuous years were over, and I was on the other side of what I refer to as my "dark period". I was feeling hopeful about the future, and was finally confidant and happy in many areas of my life. I wanted with this trip to see my daughter achieve her goal of finishing the trip, wanted to see her feel good about herself. I also wanted to be able to say to myself, after screwing up so many areas of my life, that I actually followed through and did something outside of my comfort zone. If camping for 4 nights in a tent, and kayaking, on a river, for 5 days wasn't outside my comfort zone, I wasn't sure what was. And so, I went. And I paddled the entire way, and I camped. And I accomplished my goal and was proud of myself for doing this. Most of all, I was proud of my daughter, who I always thought was so small and timid, and a bit hesitant and shy, as she completed the journey with me. Spring 2013. I find myself not happy with many areas of my life, and feeling bored, and at times a bit of a failure with the way I have let myself go, and the way I have lead my life. I face in the near future a home without constant kids as they will all be on their own. I am happy and proud I have raised 4 good, confident young men and women and turned them loose on the world, but I am also angry and unhappy I have lost myself in the process and find myself unsure and flailing. I am not in a good place within myself, and I am unsure of what all I need to do to fix this. And yet, I was asked by my sons to go on this journey with them, and since its my duty as a Dad, I agreed. I had no expectations of this journey giving me any satisfaction other than seeing my kids and their friends that I have grown to love complete. I've already done the trip, I got what I could, I would do my duty and come home, dirty and smelly, and nothing would be different. Now, friends and family reading this, please know that on this trip, safety is a HUGE part of every moment. The ratio of student to adult chaperone is about 1 to 1. We all have life jackets on any time we are on the water. Safety motor boats circle the group of kayaking kids. Police, paramedics, teachers, parents, firemen are all a part of the chaperone crew. Radios are used by all in boats and some of the adult kayakers. the group is safe. When Kaylee and I did the trip in a kayak together, we stayed towards the back, or the back of the middle, of the pack. At times the group gets spread out over a few hundred yards, so the distance is not too great. As is Kaylee's nature, we played it safe. Steady, secure and cautious. We didn't race ahead to join the pack, and risk the rowdy group that had squirt guns and tried to intentionally dump their friends boats when the river was calm, the weather warm, and there was time to play. Over and over again we watched students make the leap from their boat onto another, knocking kids into the water, laughing and screaming and playing. Kaylee was content to watch and sit in our kayak, dry, warm and safe. throughout Kaylees entire life she has been the calm one, the child that was happiest when things were mellow. Our trip on the river that year was perfectly Kaylee. We didn't dump our boat, we laughed from the confines of our seats and kayak, and we completed our journey. this year, with my sons Justin and Jacob, I wasn't sure what to expect. I kayaked with another chaperone for the first leg of our journey, then seats were shuffled and I had the opportunity to ride the remainder of the journey in a support boat. From my seat in the boat, I could see all the kayakers, and could reach out and hand them food, or help them remove their coats, or just hold their kayaks while they had a bit of an emotional breakdown at times if needed. One of the best parts though was hearing on the radio the communication between the boats, and hearing the care for the students. When a kayak would dump over, or, more often, get tipped on purpose by another student, the nearest boat to the now soaking wet kayaker would call out on the radio "we have kids in the water". The group would slow down, if not stop, until all kayakers were back in their boats and we would continue on. Several times after the "kids in the water" call would go out, it would be quickly followed with "its a Waiss". the first time I heard this, as a parent, my heart jumped a bit. Even though I KNEW my sons were wearing their vests, had their whistles, are strong swimmers, were in the head of the group and so there was about 35 kayaks behind them to help, plus the support boats, my sons were still in the river, and I was....in a boat helpless to them. I would watch as they would climb back into their kayaks and begin paddling again. Until I would hear "we have kids in the water, its a waiss" again. As I watched or heard my sons leap from the safety and stability of their kayaks onto their classmates or teachers, pulling them in, I realized the difference between my two trips. With Kaylee the adventure was enough. With the boys, they took their adventure and magnified it. Kaylee and I sat and watched the daring, while this time my boys were the darers, leaping with abandon and excitement. And this is when I realized that I WAS actually getting something out of this journey once again. I have always been a very protective parent. I worry about my kids when they are not home, when I know they are on the freeway. I feel horrible when they are sick. I stress about their grades, their college forms, their projects at school. I give them the freedom and knowledge to lead their own lives, but I still wonder constantly if they are okay. I watch from a distance as they grow, yet I stay involved in their everyday lives without being too intrusive. And as I watched my sons leap from the safety of their kayaks, onto their friends and into the river, I had to remember they had their life vests on. they had their whistles. they were strong. they would get back in their boats, and they would be okay. And now, I find myself understanding. I found my "what will I get out of this trip"...I understand now. my kids WILL leap. they WILL take others with them, and they WILL go under and get soaked, only to pop up again, laughing and yelling. they've got their vests, they've got their whistles. I will always be in the support boat, ready. To the best of my ability, Ive tried to teach them what to do. Ive got kids in the water. And they are okay.